I have imprisoned my deepest thoughts and held my fears captive on the inside
Its so easy to resemble strength to the world, since people are almost never really concerned with your inner conditions. If ever asked, I couldn’t possibly reveal them. My weaknesses shouldn’t define me. However, I live in a world where my ability to rise up against my shortcomings will ultimately label me a “functioning human being”. You are to try and try again for as long as it takes, and you mustn’t ever complain or beat yourself up along the way. Otherwise, you are labeled weak or broken. You are celebrated for beating the odds, honored for overcoming life’s trials and tribulations, make headlines whenever you accomplish anything society has deemed impossible for you.
I commend those that can openly confess their fears along the road. Unfortunately, there aren’t any committees set in place to root for the lost or the broken along the road. Its either you’ve made it or shut the hell up already. There’s no in between. Had I ever openly conversed about such things, my very mind would incriminate me for years to come.
At this point, I’m convinced we’ve been banished to the pits of victim hood right along with our desperate and nosy neighbors. Only Mama was so much more than them folks. All she had, was given to us. There wasn’t a missing pair of sock that she couldn’t find or a burnt piece of toast she couldn’t scrape back to edible. There was absolutely no way this disaster could’ve transpired under the watch of our superhuman.
Before I can even motion to begin my search for Mama, she emerges from the smoke coughing and gasping for air. My immediate relief pushed me toward her to feel her face for authenticity. Her eyes were cold and far away from me although she was less than a few inches away. Ma began swinging her arms at me as if my intentions were to harm her. My sister used words like stressed, anxiety, pressure and depression. All of which sounded bizarre to me at such a tender age of eight.
I thought maybe we had hidden her withering stands of memory somewhere. Maybe I had misplaced it when I borrowed her ability to love, her passion for compassion, and her eyes to see the good in all things. I couldn’t find anything she had given us. On the contrary, I ended up with all the things she fought hard to never gift us.
The hospital visit day came and my nerves were pop locking all inside my chest. I stood outside Mama’s room for about five minute. No blankets, No pillows, No lights. We filled the hallway and just waited. Nurses walked in and out that room, and we all just waited.