I have imprisoned my deepest thoughts and held my fears captive on the inside
Its so easy to resemble strength to the world, since people are almost never really concerned with your inner conditions. If ever asked, I couldn’t possibly reveal them. My weaknesses shouldn’t define me. However, I live in a world where my ability to rise up against my shortcomings will ultimately label me a “functioning human being”. You are to try and try again for as long as it takes, and you mustn’t ever complain or beat yourself up along the way. Otherwise, you are labeled weak or broken. You are celebrated for beating the odds, honored for overcoming life’s trials and tribulations, make headlines whenever you accomplish anything society has deemed impossible for you.
I commend those that can openly confess their fears along the road. Unfortunately, there aren’t any committees set in place to root for the lost or the broken along the road. Its either you’ve made it or shut the hell up already. There’s no in between. Had I ever openly conversed about such things, my very mind would incriminate me for years to come.
At this point, I’m convinced we’ve been banished to the pits of victim hood right along with our desperate and nosy neighbors. Only Mama was so much more than them folks. All she had, was given to us. There wasn’t a missing pair of sock that she couldn’t find or a burnt piece of toast she couldn’t scrape back to edible. There was absolutely no way this disaster could’ve transpired under the watch of our superhuman.
Before I can even motion to begin my search for Mama, she emerges from the smoke coughing and gasping for air. My immediate relief pushed me toward her to feel her face for authenticity. Her eyes were cold and far away from me although she was less than a few inches away. Ma began swinging her arms at me as if my intentions were to harm her. My sister used words like stressed, anxiety, pressure and depression. All of which sounded bizarre to me at such a tender age of eight.
I thought maybe we had hidden her withering stands of memory somewhere. Maybe I had misplaced it when I borrowed her ability to love, her passion for compassion, and her eyes to see the good in all things. I couldn’t find anything she had given us. On the contrary, I ended up with all the things she fought hard to never gift us.
The hospital visit day came and my nerves were pop locking all inside my chest. I stood outside Mama’s room for about five minute. No blankets, No pillows, No lights. We filled the hallway and just waited. Nurses walked in and out that room, and we all just waited.
She ranges from sweet to sugar. Her walk has been influenced by her desperation. She prevails amidst the hunt for her king. Her curls and coils bounces with every rejection. When her man wants, she delivers. She works double hard for nothing. Dipped and Drenched in stigma, embedded in ill will. Still she blends and bends, effortlessly committing to her very demise. This life, that wants her so badly to fold. This world that wants HER but detests HER. She cant speak, her tongue has been deemed bitter….
The black woman.
The black woman stands as tall as her broken allows her. She has been told to sit in the back of the bus for so long that she blends in with the shadows. They desire what keeps her together. They break her walls and her world. Abuse, misuse and torture her king.
She beams and breeds life. Her story goes unpublished each day as she flips the pages of her own written book. She bred and fed the very tongues that rose up against her. She is fierce and comes to terms with her proud. angry, you say. However, she is passion in its purest form. Her red white and blue is her new black. Her honey knows no bounds. Blisters and wounds, her lips pierced for their beauty. Love, unwanted. King, they’ve hunted. She’s dark and light at the same time.
“I must plan everything in life or I will accomplish absolutely nothing.” says everyone today!
I love a good planner or day-to-day itinerary just like the next gal. However, I can’t seem to settle on a good structured anything most days. By the time I decide on a good start date, I’m out of motivation to even start. We live in a social media generation where every single thing is planned out. From the time of day you post an Instagram pic to the amount of minutes you wait before responding to your crush’s text. We’ve become so strategic with everything, spontaneity is becoming extinct!
With the pressure to be savvier than the rest at an all time high, it’s becoming more difficult to be unapologetically raw. You often hear that if you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll end up nowhere. What they don’t tell you, is that nowhere just happens to be somewhere you’ve never been. The beauty is you’ll be somewhere! What you do when you get there is entirely up to you.
Look, the euphoria isn’t in developing the idea, it’s in EXECUTING said idea. You have plenty people who have been planning for years, being surpassed by those who literally dove in head first into the same field. I’m sure this sounds super illogical and ridiculous, but you’ll be surprised at just how many people thoroughly plan their ideas out or make a solid business plan surrounding their talent. Actually, statistics says about 65% of the modern population incorporates planning into their daily activities. That means more than half of the world is allegedly opposed to just winging it. Sooner or later, the entire world will be a giant mess of people; color coordinating, planner thumping, bulletin board writing and fun sucking everything they possibly can.
Just a disclaimer, there are going to be both internal and external voices challenging your new leap of faith. No need to respond verbally or via text, you’re going to want to silence these voices by simply doing the damn thing! You get up on a Wednesday afternoon and go for that run to jump-start your health goals for the year. You start that etsy shop with your thirty-two beaded bracelets. You go ahead and purchase that marketing book you felt was too advanced for you last year. I know you’re all thinking, it’s easier said than done. Now, how would you ever know if you don’t start? 2018, put that planner down and just start!